after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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