shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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