If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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