i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize