Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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