im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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