My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize