Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
