I'm gonna have a badass scar
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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