Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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