We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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