U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
