I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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