True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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