He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
