How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
