I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
