She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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