Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
