After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
