i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i will never coherently bang her
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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