at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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