Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize