just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
