I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
