From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
