roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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