I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
