Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
