They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
