so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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