I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So many bounce houses so little time
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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