take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
