Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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