need another drink. this is the easiest way
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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