I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
