dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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