we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
