I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
