I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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