I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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