its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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