Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
