Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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