The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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