My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
