I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Randomize
