I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
