I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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