she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
