I've blown a few things in my day
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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