is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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