sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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