Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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