my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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