new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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