I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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