i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
